I am currently in the hairdressers having my hair blonded and cut. Unfortunately, it's a bit of a repair job after I had my attacked in Taunton by untrained Levellers armed with industrial dye and sheep-shears. Boys, never have your hair done in Somerset. If there's only one piece of advice in life you heed please let it be this.
I am SO happy to hear from Charlie G that you are reading and enjoying the blog. Phew! You'll be pleased to know the naughty calendars are on their way to you as I type this 'ere installment. I have sent two parcels addressed to the Two Company commander. Please can you make sure they are distributed throughout the companies as I understand they need cheering up, too. The calendar is laughable in itself but what I'm sure the other companies will fund utterly hilarious is that you organised such a minger as the pin-up. I mean I'm hardly on the level of Nuts or FHM, am I?! Having said that Pirelli have been in touch and want me to be June for their 2012 calendar but I said, 'NO! Bugger off Pirelli - I don't take my clothes off for tyre companies, I only take my kit off for soldiers, OK?!'
So, what news in my life? I have been acting abhorrently, drinking too much as usual and am off to interview the British Olympic Women's volleyball hopefuls next week for The Field. Pretty normal stuff. I will post pictures, naturally :-) Last month I did a gig at the Groucho Club which wasn't my best. I did a last minute double-act with Rich Fulcher from the Mighty Boosh. We basically just did a few willy jokes and held up pictures of penii that looked like famous people. It was cutting-edge satire. I'm so proud of myself. Tomorrow evening I am opening a shooting lodge (check how I roll). I will do 10 minutes of stand-up as my alter-ego Henrietta Arden-Bibby - I hope the audience aren't appalled at the blue material. I'm known on the circuit at the Posh Roy Chubby Brown of comedy. It's important to scale cerebral heights with art, don't you think?
Did I tell you I met the Wurzels the other day? I was invited back stage with my pen-friend, the Royal Marine, High Tower. They then dedicated a song to us in front of thousand of people. It was epic! I don't think life will ever be the same again. The Wurzels said they'd be delighted to be part of a gala entertainment night for when you return from Afghanistan. Please let me know a date over the summer so we can arrange this.
What else? I made cider the other weekend in Somerset with a Colonel in the Marines. The only people I seem to mix with are in the military nowadays. Who'd have thought my little column in The Field could lead to this?! I have picked a few pounds of sloes so gin making is my next alcoholic assignment.
My main bit of news, aside from being a new presenter on www.fieldsportschannel.tv - ooh, get me - is that I am off to Argentina for three weeks. I promise to send you some postcards! I will be back in time for Christmas to show off my tan and generally get up everyone's noses. When is winter in Afghanistan? Will you come back bronzed or frost bitten in April? I know the winters are brutal over there. Recently, the Marine did a talk for the Watchet Sea-Cubs which I attended (yes, life is a roller-coaster). Anyway, I learnt a lot from his power point presentation which was very engaging until he put up the infant mortality graphs and figures. Although they were shocking statistics that woke everyone up to the terrible poverty in Afghanistan - a graph always has a rather soporific effect on teenager and adult alike. Anyway, I feel I know a lot more about the problems you face, the Afghan people and the environment. Not in that I can be remotely helpful to you in anyway - sorry about that.
Today is Armistice Day. May I wish you all well. I thought of you all during the two minutes silence. On Saturday I am attending the Royal British Legion Festival of Remembrance at the Albert Hall. I will tell you all about it next week.
Take care and stay safe - that's an order!
Right, just off to have my foils taken off and have a toner put on. I sound like a photocopier!
Lots of love,
Charlie xxx
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