A Short Play

What the cat brought in

By

Swithin Fry

Cast of Characters

Jill: woman, late 30s

Jane: woman, late 30s

WHAT THE CAT BROUGHT IN

Scene: 1

SOUND: DOORBELL

SOUND: FRONT DOOR BEING OPENED BUT ONLY AJAR

JILL

Who’s there?

JANE

(SLIGHTLY MUFFLED AS SHE’S OUTSIDE)

Jill? It’s me, Jane, of course. What do you mean,

who’s there?

JILL

Jane! Thank god!...at last...in...quickly!

SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS QUICKLY

JANE

’Course it’s me...what’s going on?

JILL

Did you see anyone?

JANE

Grief, it’s dark in here. Did you know all your

curtains are still drawn? Have you just got out of

bed?

JILL

Go on down the kitchen...anybody...anybody

suspicious?

JANE

Like a stalker? Jill, are you being stalked?

JILL

Like anyone with a camera?

SOUND: KITCHEN DOOR OPENS

JANE

Phew! Did you have a party and not invite us?

JILL

Party?

JANE

It stinks of booze...what’s that? Armagnac? Armagnac

at...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

JILL

What time is it?

JANE

Quarter to 11 on the dot. You know me, Ms

Punctual...Pete jokes I’m OCD.

JILL

OC...oh, I see.

JANE

It’s O.C.D, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, not OIC.

JILL

I know what it stands for!

JANE

So?

JILL

So what?

JANE

Jack’s going to be mad.

JILL

How did you...oh! You mean the drink.

JANE

Several fingers of his prized, vintage Armagnac

mysteriously vapourising...was that a new one?

Unopened?

JILL

May have been. Don’t care.

JANE

Are you having an affair? Bit of Dutch courage?

JILL

Affair? Oh, not yet!

JANE

Not yet!...oh god, Jill, your breath stinks!

JILL

Sit! Sit!

SOUND: CHAIR

JANE

What’s got into you, Jill? What’s happened?

JILL

Drink?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

JANE

Our usual cup of tea would be perfect, thanks.

JILL

Tea! Jill! Listen! When you hear what I am about to

tell you, you’ll need more than our usual cup of tea.

JANE

It’s an affair. It is, isn’t it?...Jill...it’s only a

few months that you and Jack haven’t been...haven’t

been you-know-what-ing.

JILL

Few months! Says who? Few years.

JANE

It’s never!

JILL

It is!

JANE

So you are having an affair?

JILL

No I am not having an affair! Why is it everyone

assumes...

JANE

Well, if it’s not an affair, what is it?

JILL

Have a drink.

JANE

Tea. Please.

JILL

I’ll make you a tea...but have a little tot too. For

my sake. Please.

SOUND: KETTLE BEING FILLED

JANE

Well. Just a small one. But no telling Jack it was my

idea to open his precious Armagnac.

SOUND: GLASS PUT ON TABLE AND DRINK BEING POURED

JANE

That’s enough! A small one, I said. And you’ve had

enough. Stop, Jill, you’ll make yourself ill.

JILL

I DON’T CARE! I’ll taxi to Harley Street.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

JANE

Jack’s got overnight promotion has he? He’ll be

pleased to hear you’re squandering on taking your

hangovers to Harley Street.

JILL

Ssh! What’s that?

JANE

What’s what?

JILL

That noise?

SOUND: CAT FLAP AND MEOW

JANE

It’s only Freak-out! My, Jane is jumpy this morning!

Freak-out! Freak-out! Here...come on, up girlie! Oh,

don’t then.

JILL

You know Freakie. Unfathomable.

JANE

Like her mistress, then.

JILL

What’d you mean?

JANE

All this! Hush-hush and booze first thing isn’t the

Jill I know.

SOUND: TEAPOT FILLED

SOUND: CHAIR

JILL

OK. I’ll tell you.

JANE

Alleluia! Are you sure that’s OK with Freak-out in

the same room? She might eavesdrop and before you

know it, the entire cat population will be wailing it

from the roof-tops. Meow! Meow! Freak-out’s mistress

is having an affair!

JILL

I am not having an affair.

JANE

No. Jane believes Jill. No affair.

JILL

You won’t believe this.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

JANE

I could give it a go.

JILL

OK. I...

(PAUSE)

JANE

Go on...

JILL

I...

JANE

Yes.

JILL

I had a phone call this morning.

JANE

Oh! Hang out the flags! My best friend Jill got a

phone call. Alleluia!

JILL

Alright. Alright. Mock. But this’ll wipe the smirk.

JANE

Look...serious! No smirk! All ears, boss.

JILL

I...

JANE

We’ve got that far already.

JILL

I’ve won the lottery.

JANE

Don’t be silly. Tell me what it really is. Oh, I do

like this Armagnac, Jack has got good taste!

JILL

I have. I’ve won the lottery.

JANE

You haven’t.

JILL

I have.

JANE

You haven’t.

JILL

Alright, I haven’t won the lottery and I didn’t have

a telegram this morning saying I’m officially a

millionaire-ess...no, actually a multi-millionairess!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

JANE

No!

JILL

Yes!

JANE

No!

SOUND: CHAIRS KNOCKED OVER AS THEY JUMP UP

SOUND: CAT SCREECHES AND RUSHES OUT

JANE

Oh my god...I-can’t-I can’t-I-can’t BELIEVE THIS!

JILL

You’re-not-you’re-not-you’re-not THE ONLY ONE!

JANE

Oh my god...calm. Calm. Calm.

JILL

Yes. This does happen. To other people. So why not

me?

JANE

Let’s have another drink.

JILL

Small ones.

JANE

Yes. But a bit more for me than last time.

SOUND: CHAIRS UPRIGHTED AS THEY SIT DOWN

SOUND: DRINKS BEING POURED

JILL

I thought...I thought, this must be a hoax. Must be.

Then they phoned. Said a chauffeur will be picking me

up...I said, no way, I’ll get back to you...thought I

could check them that way...which I did, straight

away...and it’s true.

JANE

True?

JILL

Yes.

JANE

Hence the stalker with a camera would be the Press?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

JILL

Well, I said no publicity. Always have. So there

shouldn’t be. But I’m a bit paranoid.

JANE

That’s allowed. So, so, so understandable...I would

be too.

JILL

Aren’t you curious?

JANE

Not any more!

JILL

You know. The winning numbers. Guess.

JANE

Should I know?

JILL

Yes.

JANE

I don’t know. You’ve been keeping a log of

Freak-out’s disgusting dead mice?

JILL

A phone number...you’d never guess who’s.

JANE

Haven’t I done enough guessing.

JILL

In his jacket. I found it. Before I took it to the

dry cleaners.

JANE

Jack’s jacket?

JILL

All neat. Folded. Stupid git can’t do anything right.

JANE

I have lost the plot, Jill. Blame this Armagnac, but

I am not following you.

JILL

Folded neat and small as can be. Slipped right down

the bottom of the pocket. Little message.

JANE

Message?

JILL

Yes. A secret mobile number. The numbers I used...to

win. Then a kiss of lipstick...horrid, lurid colour,

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

JILL (cont’d)

just like yours, you know, that one you wear when you

want to tart up and flirt...and the message said...

JANE

Oh no.

JILL

Talk of guessing...I’d never have guessed, but I was

beginning to wonder what he did for you-know-what

these days.

JANE

Oh no. I think...

SOUND: CHAIR PUSHED BACK

JILL

Yes. I think so too. You’ve got O.I.C.D...that’s Oh I

See Danger...you better be off then, Jane...anyway,

my chauffeur will be here soon. Goodbye Jane. Enjoy

Jack! I’ll send you both a crate of the best

Armagnac...on second thoughts, the worst...make it

last, won’t you, ’cos that’s all either of you will

be getting from me!

(ENDS)