Henrietta Arden-Bibby: Down & Out In London

Dear Micks,

Sorry about the lack of formatting but it won't paste with it all in tact. Just so you know, this is a 15mins radio pilot based on my uber-posh comic character, Henrietta Arden-Bibby. FX stands for 'Sound Effects'. Ext - is exterior. Int - is interior. Think the rest is clear. Hasn't been commissioned but I'm thinking of turning it into a loo book. See what you think. Just a bit of fun.

xxxxx

Henrietta Arden-Bibby: Down & Out in London

A 15' Radio Script

by

Charlotte Reather

INT. TRAIN - DAY

FX Train in motion

FX Clatter of rails and carriages

FX Internal electric doors snap open.

FX Loud knocking on the door.

Silence

Insistent loud banging on the door.

TRAIN MANAGER:

All tickets please!

HENRIETTA:

(from inside the WC)

I’m not well.

TRAIN MANAGER:

I don’t care. You’ve been in that toilet since Devizes.

FX Click of the lock. Door Bangs open.

HENRIETTA:

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

TRAIN MANAGER:

Eugh!

HENRIETTA:

I told you I wasn’t well.

FX Flush

HENRIETTA V/O:

It’s amazing what you can do with a little melted chocolate and a lot of imagination.

TRAIN MANAGER:

(holding his nose)

Your ticket.

HENRIETTA:

Stand back, I’m bubbling again.

FX Loo door banging & locking.

TRAIN MANAGER:

I’m calling the transport police.

HENRIETTA:

(Sobbing) Is it a crime to have di-arrhea?

TRAIN MANAGER:

No, but you’re meant to have a ticket. Oh forget it. I can’t face the paperwork.

HENRIETTA:

I could do with some paperwork in here actually.

TRAIN MANAGER:

(Angrily) Use your ticket!

FX Stomps off.

TRAIN MANGER

(walking away) All tickets please.

HENRIETTA VO

I was on my way to London to make my fortune. Daddy had run out of money. If I didn’t become rich and fast, the estate would have to be sold. And I don’t just mean the Volvo. (BEAT) I was stick and ball-ing on my favourite polo pony when Daddy told me the news.

EXT. POLO FIELD. BIBBY HALL – DAY

FX BIRDS SINGING. BREEZE THROUGH GRASS. A HORSE CANTERING WITH THE TAP, TAP, TAP OF A POLO BALL.

HENRIETTA:

Good boy, Duncan.

FX of Henrietta patting the pony.

HENRIETTA:

Oh I love you so much.

FX of Henrietta kissing her pony.

HENRIETTA:

Daddy! Come and watch. My nearside backhand’s really improving.

FX of pony cantering off and the loud crack of her polo stick hitting the ball.

FX Of William walking through the grass towards Henrietta. Voice getting nearer.

WILLIAM:

Very good, darling. But remember both sets of eyes need to watch the ball. Head eyes, chest eyes and thwack.

FX of pony cantering and Henrietta thwacking of the ball.

WILLIAM:

Brilliant!

HENRIETTA:

Thanks Daddy. You’re the best.

WILLIAM:

Yes. Er, Henry, there’s something I need to talk to you about. Something very important.

EXT. STABLES. BIBBY HALL – DAY

HENRIETTA V/O:

As I untacked Duncan, Daddy looked nervously at me.

WILLIAM:

We’re in trouble, Henry. I’ve spent all the money. Drastic action has to be taken, I need to…

HENRIETTA:

Sell the estate?

WILLIAM:

No.

HENRIETTA:

Get a job?

WILLIAM:

This is no time for sarcasm.

HENRIETTA:

Well, then what?

WILLIAM:

(Clearing his throat) You remember that Turkmenistani fellow? Bo-ris...ah-ah-ah.

HENRIETTA:

Kerplunsky. The tycoon with natural gas? Well, he said it was natural.

WILLIAM:

That’s the fellow. And 10 billion Euros. Well, I need you to make yourself available to him.

HENRIETTA:

You’re asking me to prostitute my-self?

WILLIAM:

Of course not, darling! You’ll re-ceive no payment.

HENRIETTA:

I won’t do it!

WILLIAM:

There’s no choice. He’s already put down a deposit....

HENRIETTA:

Gross.

WILLIAM:

Which I’ve spent on a hip replace-ment for Posh Spice. There’s a good bitch.

FX Noises of a dog being petted and licking.

HENRIETTA:

You’ve sold me, Daddy? (Fighting back the emotion) This is exactly like when Carla Bruni was sold to Nicholas Sarkozy, only worse. No-one marries a short man without incentives.

WILLIAM:

Come on don’t be like that. Take one for the team, darling, there’s a good girl. 14 generations of Arden-Bibbys salute you. Your mother would have been proud too.

HENRIETTA:

No she wouldn’t! Well, do you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to go to London and get a job, yes, how about that, and save us all. (Omi-nously) And father, I’m going to find out what really happened to Mummy. No-one gets hit by a bus, however bendy, and lands that high up.

FX Door knocker.

WILLIAM:

That’s Boris now. Accept your fate. Besides no member of the Arden-Bibbys is going to ‘get a job’.

INT. BIBBY HALL – DAY

FX Doors flinging open, frantic running on oak floors.

HENRIETTA V/O:

I ran with all my might stopping only to grab a few clothes, teddy and the Jacobean tea service - which is worth a bomb. As soon as I’d got to London I headed to Crotherbys to have it valued.

CUT TO:

INT. CROTHERBY’S - DAY

FX Ticking clock in echoey room.

CROTHERBYS EXPERT:

Oh dear, oh dear. It’s pewter. Not worth more than £30 the lot.

HENRIETTA:

Are you sure?

CROTHERBYS EXPERT:

Listen Henrietta, I’ve been in this game 40 years - I’ve got two hit shows on the telly - 10 million viewers. Do I look like a man who’d rip you off?

HENRIETTA:

No, well maybe, I don’t know. You do dye your hair, use fake tan and wear gold jewellery.

CROTHERBYS EXPERT:

What if I put £40 in crisp notes into your hands right now. There’s 10, there’s another 10 and another that’s 30 and because I like you, there £40.

HENRIETTA:

That’s only 30!

CROTHERBYS EXPERT:

Take it! It’s all you’re getting.

HENRIETTA:

I want my silver back!

CROTHERBY’S EXPERT:

We did a deal. It’s my silv-pewter now. Nice doing business with you.

INT. CAFE. LONDON - DAY

FX London cafe - noise of coffee machine, chatter, stirring of coffee cups.

HENRIETTA V/O:

So I had no job, nowhere to stay and £30 to my name...

WAITRESS:

That’ll be £4.25 please.

HENRIETTA:

For a cup of coffee!

WAITRESS:

You opt for ‘eat in’. It’s only 3.75 to take away.

HENRIETTA:

Only £3.75. It’s an outrage - what do you do grind the beans with your buttocks?! Here...

FX - Handbag unzip, crisp note changing hands.

HENRIETTA:

I’d like all the change please.

HENRIETTA V/O:

So no job, nowhere to stay and £25.75 to my name. (BEAT) Luckily, I have lots of cousins...

FX of dialing a number on a mobile. Ringing tone.

BINKIE VOICEMAIL:

(Female sloane) Hi this is Binkie Scampi-Frye. I’m in the arms of a hot stud muffin at the moment so leave a message.

HENRIETTA:

Binks it’s me, Henry. I need to stay at yours this evening - I’m home-less. Call me back. Lots of love.

FX of dialing a number on a mobile. Ringing tone to voicemail. FX hard banging techno in the background of the message.

RUPERT SCAMPI-FRYE:

Hello, this is Rupert Scampi-Frye, I’m in drunken stupor. Leave a mes-sage.

HENRIETTA:

Rupes can you give me a bell ur-gently? I’m in London and need a shag. Thanks. Byee.

HENRIETTA V/O:

My last chance was cousin Annabel who was married to my cousin Joss.

FX of dialing a number on a mobile. Ringing tone to voicemail.

ANNABEL SCAMPI-FRYE SCAMPI-FRYE:

Hi this is Annabel Scampi-Frye-Scampi-Frye…

JOSS SCAMPI-FRYE SCAMPI-FRYE

..and Joss Scampi-Frye-Scampi-Frye

ANNABEL SCAMPI-FRYE SCAMPI-FRYE

we’re on honeymoon right now eating strawberries off each others torsos.

FX Henrietta hangs up.

HENRIETTA:

OMG! TMI!

HENRIETTA V/O:

For those of you not in the know… that’s Oh my God! Too much informa-tion!

FX Henrietta’s phone rings immediately - David Guetta’s Sexy Bitch as ringtone.

HENRIETTA:

Rupes, Hi! Thanks for ringing back, I’m desperate.

RUPERT:

And I’m horny. Perfect!

HENRIETTA:

For a place to crash. I was joking - we’re first cousins. Family aren’t supposed to ‘do it’.

RUPERT:

Really? Don’t you dare tell my sis-ter.

HENRIETTA:

Look I’m in serious trouble. Daddy’s gone mad and sold me to a Russian oligarch with the body of Gordon Brown and the face of, well, Gordon Brown actually - I’m not going down without a fight.

RUPERT:

Not what I’ve heard. Can’t Binks put you up? I’ve got a bird over and there’s no room to swing a cat in my flat.

HENRIETTA:

Still into weird stuff I see. I can’t get hold of her.

RUPERT:

Well, keep trying. If you’re desper-ate, crash at mine...But I’ll want favours.

HENRIETTA:

Fine. Whatever. Does this ‘bird’ cover her Adam’s apple with a pearl choker?

RUPERT:

Do one Bibby!

HENRIETTA:

I’m coming over, Gaylord.

FX Beep him hanging up.

HENRIETTA V/O:

He is such a legend.

EXT. STREET. LONDON – DAY

FX Of Henrietta walking down the street with her wheelie suit-case.

HENRIETTA:

Excuse me. Is this the way to Put-ney?

PASSERBY:

Putney’s miles away. You want a 14.

HENRIETTA:

I’m a 12!

PASSERBY:

A 14 bus.

HENRIETTA:

I couldn’t possibly.

PASSERBY:

What you too posh for public trans-port. Snob.

HENRIETTA:

One killed my mother.

PASSERBY:

Oh, sorry.

HENRIETTA:

You weren’t to know.

FX Henrietta carries on walking with her wheelie suitcase.

FX a car pulling along side her.

FX Henrietta speeds up her walking. The car revs it’s engine and speeds ahead and screeches to a halt. Sound effects of horns from drivers behind. The car door flies open.

HENCHMAN:

(Polish) Get in.

Henrietta shrieks and struggles.

HENRIETTA:

No. Get off!

She is bundled the car.

Car doors shut. Car screams off.

BORIS:

(Deep Russian) I’ve been looking for you all over London. Your father is very worried about you.

HENRIETTA:

About the money you mean. How did you find me?

BORIS:

I have friends who own satellites –your cell phone is a tracking de-vice. You’re not happy to see me, baby?

HENRIETTA:

No.

BORIS:

As your father says ‘take one for the team, darlink’.

FX Sound of champagne cork popping and it being poured.

BORIS:

Champagne?

HENRIETTA:

It’s a bit hard to drink with my hands tied.

BORIS:

Well, that’s what happens to people who try to throw themselves out of cars. Here, drink.

FX Henrietta takes a couple of gulps.

HENRIETTA:

Ooh delicious. Krug 85?

BORIS:

’88. Very good. You see you’re a special.

HENRIETTA:

Listen Boris, you’re a good looking guy in a political kind of way, why don’t you find someone who wants to marry you? What you need is some clotted cream – girls who are rich n very thick.

BORIS:

You have something they don’t, that they will never have.

HENRIETTA:

What?

BORIS:

Class. Let’s just say British aristocrats have been doing favours for gangsters and Russians for dec-ades: stashing drugs & weapons, telling tales on the British govern-ment. You are a favour Henrietta, but one I am doing for your father.

HENRIETTA:

Thanks a bunch!

BORIS:

I know who killed your mother. I have the proof.

HENRIETTA:

(Gasp) Killed? Who?!

BORIS:

(Clapping his hands) Enough talking. Let’s get a little more comfortable.

CUT TO:

INT. BORIS’S MANSION, LONDON – EVENING

HENRIETTA V/O:

He led me into his to his monochrome porno lair. I’d gained his trust by using my wits, OK my tongue. I snog-ged his hairy Gordon face off. I did it for Mummy.

BORIS:

Tease me baby. Dance around the pole.

FX Henrietta dancing around pole.

POLISH MAN:

Please stop dancing. I’m getting giddy.

HENRIETTA:

(To Polish man) Sorry. (To Boris) Tell me who killed my mother.

BORIS:

On the bed. Come.

HENRIETTA:

I can’t on command!

BORIS:

Look what I have for you, baby.

Henrietta shrieks.

HENRIETTA V/O:

He had a winkie like a little earth worm. I quickly tied it into a bow like a children’s entertainer. While a screaming Boris was rendered dis-abled I grabbed a coat, my suitcase and flung myself out of the bathroom window.

FX of Henrietta flinging herself out of the bathroom window. And landing with a bump.

EXT. STREET. LONDON - NIGHT

FX Henrietta running as fast as she can down the street suit-case behind her. Heavy breathing.

FX She stops.

KZ:

(South London accent) Where you run-ning to darlin’?

FX Henrietta runs the other way. FX She bumps into two other youths.

UNCLE P:

Yeah, don’t run away.

HENRIETTA:

Oh hello. Hello. And hello. (BEAT) Oh thank God I found you all! There’s this Russian trying to kill me. My father sold me to him and I’ve just escaped from his porno lair!

DONNA:

We ain’t stupid. You’s a copper.

HENRIETTA:

Oh, the coat. It’s a Russian mili-tary actually. (Thinking on her feet) Look, OK, you got me, I’m a stripper.

DONNA:

Ain’t you got no shame, bitch?

HENRIETTA:

(Sings) Just because I dance a go-go, it don’t make me a ho, no?

KZ:

Where you from?

HENRIETTA:

Duntisbourne Abbots.

KZ:

Where?

HENRIETTA:

Near Swindon. You?

KZ:

Riverside. Egham, originally.

HENRIETTA:

Are you part of a gang?

SILENCE.

HENRIETTA (CONT):

I’m part of a gang, the Birdlip Polo Crew. We have field battles called chukkas, and we take on gangs from other postcodes. It’s exactly like you. Plus all our gang leaders drive Range Rovers.

SILENCE.

HENRIETTA:

Do you have a gun?

KS:

Yeah.

HENRIETTA:

Oh my God me too.

FX of revolver being cocked.

HENRIETTA:

I have six.

KZ & UNCLE P:

Six!

HENRIETTA:

I’ve got a Beretta 20 bore silver pigeon, a pair of 12 bore Purdeys all side by side, though personally I prefer it over and under.

DONNA:

Slag.

KZ:

Shut it Donna.

HENRIETTA:

Three rifles: a .30-06 calibre ri-fle...

DONNA:

She’s BSing you!

HENRIETTA:

May I?

FX She takes the gun, cocks it and shoots out a lamp post.

HENRIETTA:

Now I have the gun. Silly, boy!

KZ:

You’d better go.

HENRIETTA:

I’m not going anywhere empty handed!

DONNA:

No way. We got nothink.

KZ:

Trust me this bitch means business. Gotta bit of weed.

HENRIETTA:

I’ll take it.

DONNA:

Dat’s an eighth of da best skunk! I was looking forward to dat.

KZ:

Shut up Donna.

HENRIETTA:

Thank you. Mwah. Mwah. Whatever bitch. Byee!

FX - Sound of Henrietta walking off into the night, wheeling her suitcase behind her. In the distance the youths squabble.

DONNA:

You are a crap gang leader. I ain’t have no baby with a pussy.

KZ:

But da baby’s 7.

DONNA:

Den I is givin’ him away!

EXT. RUPERT’S HOUSE. PUTNEY - NIGHT

FX Manic door buzzing. Repeated

HENRIETTA:

Wake up Rupert!!

RUPERT:

(From inside) Alright, alright I’m coming!

FX Door unlocks and opens.

RUPERT:

Hah! Have you come to arrest me of-ficer? I’ve been a very bad boy. Oh, it’s you Hen.

FX Door closes.

FX Walk up the stairs to the flat. Close door behind them

RUPERT:

I’ve only just got back myself. Been DJing progressive German techno at the Brompton Oratory - these confir-mation parties are wild! Drink?

HENRIETTA:

I want the strongest G & T known to man.

RUPERT:

Coming up. So William sold you to a Russki billionaire! He’ll do any-thing to avoid working! Legend. (BEAT) Obviously, it’s awful.

FX Pouring drinks.

HENRIETTA:

Listen, I need to stay here for a few days - I won’t interfere with your bird life.

RUPERT:

It’ll cost you.

HENRIETTA:

Here’s an eighth of skunk.

RUPERT:

And a little kiss for my friend.

FX of weird heavy breathing

RUPERT:

Come on. How about a handshake? You can’t just ignore him when he’s so pleased to see you.

FX Breathing louder and more erratic.

HENRIETTA:

OK. Hello. There, happy? (BEAT) You know I hate Pug dogs.

RUPERT:

Cheers. (Clink glasses) Now what are you going to do for me to earn your keep for a few days?

Henrietta sighs.

FX of zip. Trousers dropping to the floor. Henrietta gasps.

HENRIETTA:

Those are mother’s French knickers! How did you get them?

END.