Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Happy New Year

Dear Micks,

Happy New Year to you! How the devil are you? Are you feeling happier now the end of the tour is in sight? Not too long to go now.
Well, I am officially brassic. I am entering financial rehab this week and may be there some time. I wish I could add 20% to my writing fee to balance my books but sadly this is impossible. Have you heard VAT is now at 20%? You really are missing out on very little over here. And, on the plus side every day you're away you're effectively saving money - now there's an angle which might bring some comfort.

Since returning to the UK from Argentina on 22nd December, life was taken over by family and friend and it's been a bit of social whirlwind. You now have a lardy pin-up who needs to take Kerry Katona-style drastic action. No, not take up drugs and date scum (although, I've tried both in the past!). I mean find a personal trainer and somehow get myself a gig on Dancing with Ice, or On Ice or whatever. Personally I think dancing WITH ice is a great idea for a show and I could realistically take part in that, rather than splitting my difference on ice skates I could dance with some ice-cubes or an ice statue - maybe in a desert environment. Perhaps the aim of the show would be to finish the whole routine before your partner's melted. I'm going to be a millionaire with that idea! All these shows are, of course, shit. However, the 'celebs' certainly do get in shape.

Not having the opportunity to be on 'Face Planting Kerry Katona on Ice', I think I will enter myself into a half marathon in March, instead. Look at the way I just wrote that so en passant, without making it a big deal at all, as if i competed in them all the time - well I don't and people who know me well, know I loathe running with the same passion I loathe Gary Glitter. However, it is the only way to get rid of the bicycle tyre of over-indulgence. My preferred sports are drinking, squash, drinking, polo, drinking, shooting and sleeping. I also like tennis. Running is a hideous, alien concept to me. I'm not a strong swimmer either. I love cycling but only on the flat especially after High Tower made me go for a 27 km bike ride in the, wait for it.... Andes. It was hell - made worse by a heavy lunch, several glasses of champagne, a large chocolate pudding, a latte and a limoncello. Thanks to him, I now dislike cycling, too. But not as much as running, no way near as much as running. So in the spirit of being a martyr and also trying to lose some weight I am proposing to run a half marathon. Can you boys help me decide who I should raise money for? Is there a charity supporting injured guardsmen, for instance? Do let me know. I will, in turn, look into dates for half marathons. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I keep control of my fingers (on the keyboard) - they always get me into trouble.

BTW You can read about what I've been up to recently in March's Wild Life column. I'm always writing two issues in advance so there you can find about the time I fell asleep at a smart dinner party (I'm losing my touch, drinking ability, youth) etc.

I shall write again very soon and will start to liaise with people in Windsor about dates for a party in June. But for now I must return to writing my magnum opus. For I dear boys am writing my first book. (Who knows if I'll finish it, if I do whether it will get published and if it does if I'll make any money out of it but it's part of my bespoke ASBO terms - not that it will keep me out of trouble, it's too late for that!)

Tarrah for now!

LL Charlie xxxxx

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